Mikey 2.7 beta

-
I think I've tried to reinvent myself a hundred times in the 32 years of my life now. I've always given in to curisoty, I've seen lots of cool places, met lots of cool people, and have had to said good bye to a lot of cool people.

I think at one point I even posted about the changes that I want to make in my life. For me to reach final release version 3, there's a few things I really need to work on first.

  • The weight is always the first to come up. My self image over the past few years has floated over tragic and over the past few months has crept into scary Fuck-it Land. There is no diet that I'm really going to commit myself into outside of cutting out the garbage that I eat and replacing it with better foods. I'm no spring chicken. At my age, what I eat can kill me.
  • Getting up and exercising seems to be the next big hurdle. If I can make myself get up a few minutes early and do my old routine of sit ups and push ups, I would feel a lot better during the day. Something else that I got into for a little while was going to the gym regularly. I need to get back out there and pump iron again. My muscles have all turned into fat and I'm a much more confident person when I feel physically strong and able.
  • My mental house is a wreck right now. I know full well I'm a manic depressant. I'm too proud to ever seek treatment, but I've seen myself go from one extreme to the other with blinding speed lately. I can be confident, even cocky one minute and feel like an ugly pig the next. I can go from happy to sad in a blink. I can and have many times gotten out of bed happy and gone to bed sad and vice versa. I need to find a happy balance. I shouldn't rely on shallow means to accomplish that. I have to keep reminding myself just how truely blessed I am.
  • Socially I just need to get out more. I need to meet with like minded people and have a good time. I miss my crew back in Lynchburg so bad. They've all pretty much gone on with out me. I'm very fortunate that I still have my lil' buddy back there to hang out with, but I need my old army of amigos back.
All of these problems tie into one big messy knot. It's going to take some time, healing, and forgivemess for me to move on. I'm going to be cool again, one day. Until then I just need to calm down and be the best person I can be with the people that still care to have me in their lives.

I just feel like such a failure. I can't catch the breaks I want, and when I do, I just take them for granted. So I sit alone this weekend to reflect....and mourn the passing of the bitter creature that I've become to make room for the good and decent person that I know I am.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

For My Friend

-
Image
I moved to Richmond in September, full of aprehension. Many of you by keeping up with my story know full well the ups and downs that I have faced. I was very fortunate to land a great job in October. After a lot of rejection, and fear for losing everything I started my new job with that same fear I had when I moved to this city. I was crammed in an office with Kelly Stern. He is such a kind, patient, gentle soul. He showed me around and I got comfortable working there really fast. I smile when I remember one of my coworkers talking about us giggling in there all day. I had fun those days. It did not take me long to find out that Kelly was gay. He mentioned living with Jeff, and I put two and two together fast. Kelly listened to my troubles, and gave me sound, firm advice. He has been so helpful to me also by taking me home from work almost every day and taking me by the grocery store to get supplies. I would not still be here if it was not for his help. I cannot think of a way to
Read more

My Wiiview

-
Image
You all may be familiar with my Wii saga. Janine told me on my birthday in March that we were going to purchase the console which made me very happy. I figured both of us would be able to enjoy the Wii so it was a better value. Being at least two hundred dollars cheaper than the other new consoles help make that an easy decision too. Little did we know that we were in the midst of trying to find one the most sought after pieces of hardware since Tickle Me Elmo. I remember going to at least 5 stores in March only to find laughter when asked if they had any of these Wiis in stock. The manager of one store even told me that if I get in early enough, there may be two consoles, but I better bring a bat because the soccer moms trying to find them as well may have rabies. So Janine and I pretty much gave up on finding the new Nintendo console until last week when I was shopping for her iPod Nano. Sitting there in the back of the store were three Wiis. So now I have my toy hooked up and after
Read more

September 27, 2019

-
Image
Dear Topaz, Today was a very good day. It was seasonable, but a little warm for this late in September. The sun was out, and some clouds rolled in. It felt like a pretty normal day. Work went well. Of course, being Friday, people are in better spirits and with some of the senior leadership out of the office, a few extra laughs were had with my associates. The ride to work and home was fairly typical. There's still entirely too many people who would prefer to focus on other things rather than driving. It's also nice to see some people heading out of town. I always imagine they're going a happy occasion to see family or celebrate a birthday or a wedding over the weekend. The boys are doing well. Their grades are holding up. Of course, they're both grounded, for various things. Their room's still a mess. The youngest is getting used to middle school and the oldest decided he likes Green Day. Janine and I are very disappointed in this development, and we ho
Read more