Friday, July 20, 2007

Open Letter to Richmond Drivers


Dear Richmond Driver:
You cannot drive. You have no driving ability. You have entirely too much going on in your life to put my life in danger. Every single day I slam on my brakes, I swerve, and I'm forced to accelerate to near reckless driving speeds to avoid your distracted ass. How on God's earth did you pass a driver's test?

I want to share with you all some important rules for driving. Many of you have no idea about how to preform these simple tasks, so I'm going to dumb this down as much as I can:

Merging - This is the act of accelerating with traffic and merging with oncoming traffic. Now I know this can be tricky, and I know many of you think that there is no room to merge, but there's a simple reason for that. You are going 25 miles per hour and you are trying to merge with traffic going 65 miles per hour. That is why it seems like that car won't move over. That car does not have to move over. That car just has to keep the posted speed and allow for you to get up to speed or merge in front or behind him or her. Stopping is not merging. There are no stop signs. Stopping will only get you rear ended. Put your right foot on the accelerator, and get up to speed. I'll let you in, if you have a grain of sense, but if you are going to jump into traffic at 35 miles per hour, expect to cause an accident. And it's not your life you're putting on the line. It's mine!

Cell phones are a wonderful invention. But they are not wonderful to those who cannot do two things at one time. I can say this with no fear of generalization, you Richmond driver cannot do two things at one time. I know in your quest for self importance, you feel the need to communicate with a variety of people at all times in the day, and I understand your need to be both seen and heard, but why must you do this at the risk of my life? I would suggest you get over this err of self righteousness, and wait until you are near a land line, or when you're not traveling at speeds exceeding 70 miles per hour to have a conversation unless you are on fire and you need immediate assistance.

Pay attention to the posted speed limits. If I am going too slow for you, that means you are in too big of a hurry and tailgating me is not going to solve anything. I always drive around 5 miles an hour faster than the posted speed limit. In fact, I will pull beside slow traffic and I will box your ass in and keep you there for miles. I will take great pride in not only ruining your day, but making you as late as possible. Here's a suggestion. If you have to be somewhere..leave on time. If you are late, that is your problem, that is not my problem. Tailgating me only pisses me off to the point where I will do everything in my power to go as slow as possible and hog the road.

On the other hand, if the traffic is marked at a certain speed, doing slower than 5 miles per hour below the posted speed will put an angry Mike on your bumper. If you insist on taking your sweet time, try driving in right lane. The other two lanes are designed for people that wish to go at least the posted speed limit. I don't ask for much from you, other than to realize that you are causing traffic to slow down and you are creating traffic jams. Just...go...the..speed...limit!

Reading in any way shape or form outside of reading road signs is not only dangerous but about the dumbest thing I've ever seen. That newspaper is going to have the exact same content in it when you arrive at your destination than when you are driving. I can understand attention deficit disorders, but I cannot understand how reading the funny pages and putting my life in danger accomplishes anything....but putting my life in danger.

Red means stop. Green means go. To repeat, red means stop and green means go. Likewise, yield does not mean to turn your car into a 2,000 pound dart, nor does it mean stop. See merging, above.

When it rains, slow down. Just because Good Year advertises that their tires can zip through water, take a second and realize that you are literally skating. And skating at 65 miles per hour is pretty freaking stupid....and yes, you guessed it, dangerous.

Flying past me on a road that is about to merge from two lanes to one will not get you to your destination faster than me. In fact, I will usually make it a point to pass you before getting to my destination. So stop causing aggravation, fall into line and drive with traffic. I am so sorry to be in your way, you self important piece of crap. Again, try leaving on time...you won't have to be an aggressive driver which causes accidents which causes the state to levy three thousand dollar fines to discourage you from being an aggressive, moronic driver!

Using your window washers at 50 miles per hour is only going to accomplish my windshield getting washed, not your own. Try using that when you're stopped. It's amazing how much washer will actually land on your own windshield and how little will land on mine.

Picking your nose is pretty gross. I can understand the necessity of digging for gold, but try to pay attention to the road, not your boogers. My life means more than the little crusty deposits of filth that's lodged in your snout!

Stopping your car is a science, not a crapshoot. There is no reason to zoom into someones bumper and then slam on your brakes, it screws with the traffic behind you. The same goes to anyone who likes to drift to a stop. By not hitting your brakes, people behind you assume that you are not stopping. Why would they think you're stopping? There are no brake lights! That's why you are always hearing the sound of screeching tires behind you. Think about it.

And last, but not least, I want to introduce you to your turn signal. We can call this your blinker, since it's the local slang for it if that helps. By lifting your blinker you are alerting people that you are going to either make a right turn, or you are going to move your vehicle to the right lane. Pulling down on the blinker will indicate that you wish to move or turn left. Using this signal after you have stopped, or after you have moved into that lane is not only a waste of time on your part, but it's extremely dangerous for you to assume that I somehow read your mind and knew that you were going to do anything at all. I'll dare say it makes you look pretty damn stupid too.

Try using your blinker, than count to three, while counting, look over your shoulder, because there is that blind spot and usually I'm in that blind spot, trying desperately to get by your stupid ass because you are on a cell phone, late, with nowhere to go, with a nose full of boogers, and trying to wash your dirty windshield!!!

In closing, I just wanted to remind you dear driver, that you are by far the worst drivers that I have ever had the privilege to encounter. And I have driven in at least 9 states. You win the award for the biggest collection of asshats that I have ever seen in my life, or any previous life.

Sincerely

The Lewis Show