Friday, November 23, 2007

When Mikey Gets Blue

I haven't really sat down over the past few months to really take inventory on my life. Sometimes when I do, I get blue, down in the dumps, sad even over the things that I've failed to accomplish in this life. We all strive for some greatness and feeling of accomplishment. We even set goals in our youth to strive and reach for that success. Sometimes all we're left with are shattered dreams and promises broken to one's self.

We as an intelligent species, however, tend not to let those things get us down. The goals that we set as a child are always altered by the reality of this world and becoming an adult and making decisions that leave us out of range of those goals. We all imagine this white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a loving spouse, a family pet, a mortgage, and two car payments. Sometimes we get just that. We get everything we can ever dream of and feel empty still.

Some of us exceed those goals and find fame and wealth. All too often those people become so shallow and self involved that they lose their own souls. Some people fall so far short, they're only left with this nagging feeling that the world is passing them by. We all deal with these extremes even if we live our lives to utter mediocrity. But how can we find contentment in the things that we do have? How can we be thankful sometimes when all we feel is sadness?

Those are good questions. I've never really shared the depression that I've dealt with beginning in adolescence and continuing even today. The roller coaster ride of highs and lows and the feeling that it will never end sometimes dictates how we see things in our daily lives. That constant fear of failure. I'm often reminded by the wise words of my Mother, "Mike, look out for yourself. Do what's best for you and the people that love you will support you...no matter what. Then, you will be a success."

That's such a fine and difficult line to walk these days. Taking the feelings of others in one hand and taking the feelings and finding what's best for me, and putting it in the other. How do I find that balance? I've had this knack of not making people happy in my life. People always view me as negative, introverted, quiet, alone. I'm really a happy person on the inside. I posted just two days ago how lucky and blessed I am. I always post how wonderful life is. I don't lie about these things, and not admitting that there's a blue side to me would be a lie.

I just want peace of mind. I want to know that I'm doing things right in this world. I want to know that I am loved and that my love means something. I want to feel supported and cherished the same that I support and cherish those that I love. All I ask in this world is for that peace. That feeling that no matter what happens, it's all going to be ok. We all want that, don't we? We all just have to find that center in our lives, be it through religion, artistic expression, raising a family, anything that helps us find our focus. Most important we need people in our lives that truly love us for who we are. That, after everything in this world is considered and weighed, that is all that matters. Love. It all comes from love.

In this season of family let's remember those that we don't have anymore, and let's hold on tight to those that still remain. And above anything else, love them, as hard as you can.