Sunday, February 17, 2013

Explaining Winter


Being a Southerner, I feel I need to explain a phenomena to my friends that live deeper south. I live in Virginia which gets the best and the worst of all seasons. We get wonderful spring's and autumns going often into three months out of the year. We have very hot summers with steady temps in the 90's in the summer and very cold winters with temps in the 30's.

For friends in Florida and the rest of the deep south, when temperatures drop below 60 degrees this phenomenon is called WINTER. Winter is a season that begins at the December solstice where we are further away from the Sun and the tilt of our orbit shortens the length of time we are exposed to said Sun. As a result, it gets a bit chillier. It's not unusual for it to even hit freezing in the northern hemisphere.

Now there is a solution for this terrible and crazy problem or this strange thing that's going on outside. The first option is to move to a section of the earth called the equator. It stays hot there year round. There is no winter in Hawaii or in some parts of Brazil, for instance. I have a list of fixes that will help all deep southerners cope with this odd occurance that is happening to their skin:


  • Buy a coat. A coat is an article of clothing that reasonable people in the other 98% of the US put on when the temperate gets too cold for our taste. This coat will help retain heat from our skins around our arms and back. This warmth will in turn keep us from shaking and having a terrible experience outside. 
  • Buy long pants. Pants are shorts that go all the way to your ankles. I know it'll feel weird at first, but you'll get used to it over time. I would also suggest getting thick socks to help keep the bottom of your feet warm as well.
  • Switch the AC on the heat pump to heat. This will allow warm air to flow through your house, and not cold air since it's already cold outside. This isn't as tricky as it sounds. If it's (God forbid) 50 degrees outside, the air conditioner will not turn on. But if you turn on the heat, and set it to a comfortable temperature (70 for most), it will cause the rooms in your house to warm to a comfy level. 
  • Blankets. I know you're thinking that you have blankets on your bed for sleepy time, but there are smaller blankets that you can keep in your living room. When resting there, one can put these smaller blankets on their laps and raise that body temperature. 
I know this is a lot to take in. Fear not though, deep southerner. A vast majority of the first world experience this condition in ways that you can never imagine. Some people go for months without the temperature reaching freezing level as a high for the day. These people can help you with this confusing list and help you stay warmer when that temperature gets so close to freezing for you. The internet also helps. Amazon has a great selection of these coats, pants, socks, boots, long sleeve shirts, and space heaters.

You'll be okay. Just pace yourself, put on some clothes, and don't expect the rest of us to feel sorry for you. In fact, most of us are rather annoyed and openly mock your dismal conditions. Stay warm! Also, shut it.